Defining Personal Happiness

The search for happiness. It is uniquely individual, yet we continually seek external standards to define and measure our happiness.   Therapists are consulted; self-help books abound; talk shows and podcasts proliferate.  Yet, paradoxically, the true achievement of happiness can only be found inside.  It’s not wrong or misguided to seek outside – in the treasure hunt of life the clues are scattered and the search is wide.  But ultimately, the treasure chest circles back to ourselves. (ala The Alchemist).

Here, I offer you my definition of happiness as a touchstone to add to the clues in your personal treasure hunt.  After 65 years, two marriages (one miss, one soulmate) and four children, in the midst of chaos, I celebrate serenity. 
I have discovered that it’s not about money.  (We all know or hear about unhappy rich people).  But it is about minimal/manageable debt and living within your means (whatever that “means” is – as in, how is it that Johnny Depp couldn’t pay his bills?!).
It isn’t about being married.  But it is about being contented with your (soul)mate.  And if your soulmate hasn’t shown up yet, then it’s better to be authentically happy on your own, rather than miserable just to be married.

It isn’t about a particular religion.  But it is about finding the spirituality of inner clarity and discovering the beauty of your God in nature.

It’s not about being thin and expensively dressed.  But it is about being so healthy and happy in your body that you happen to look great in clothes that are comfortable.

It’s not about “getting” sex.  But it is about having romantic, physical, spiritual, fun sex that gives you glow.  The kind Sting sings about. 

It’s eating delicious food that you enjoyed preparing.  Drinking lots of water.  Getting good sleep.  Laughing a lot.

It’s balancing the checkbook, paying the bills and (finally!) having good credit.

It’s raising happy, healthy, thriving children. 

It’s defining success in a way that makes you happy, not in a way mandated by corporate marketing executives or your parents.

Discovering what makes you happy is the first step to creating happiness.  You can’t find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for.  So go on your treasure hunt with an inquisitive attitude and a receptive aura.  Make lists of things that make you happy.  Books you’ve enjoyed, quotes that inspire you, movies you love, colors and textures that entice you.  Have a music list – when you hear a song you love, write it down.   Keep your list in the car if that’s where you listen to music.  “Research shows that listening to music you find powerful affects the brain much the way that intensely pleasurable biological experiences, including eating and having sex, do.” Think about that…they’re putting music up there with food and sex!  Be prepared to capture your clues, any clues, whenever they pop up or flash by. The sunrise energizes you? Caramel Sea Salt chocolates with your eyes closed are an aphrodisiac? Linen and cotton clothes are your idea of comfort? Capture the “aha” moments that bring you pleasure.

What you want to do is create the Big Picture of ____(insert your name)____‘s Life.  A visual reminder of how you want to live.  When life gets crazy and it’s all you can do to cope and survive, you need a touchstone that you can clutch.  When the dust settles, review it … ponder it.  Visualize your life with the elements that bring you JOY.

It’s my philosophy that in order to be happy you need balance in five specific elements of life – as you choose to define each of those elements.  Physical.  Spiritual.  Financial/Career.  Intellectual.  Fun and Creativity. Be patient – you may not balance them all, all the time – this is a life mission!

Too many people make the mistake of thinking one of these elements is all it would take to make them happy (frequently in our culture, it’s the money element that they focus all their efforts on achieving).  But to strive to attain the most you can in just one area of your life (whether it’s acquiring money, or losing weight or searching for a soulmate) means you are cheating yourself out of time in the other elements, which means you are denying yourself a life well-lived.  I believe it is true that you are only as strong as your weakest link.  For instance, if you don’t take care of yourself physically, you can’t possibly be sucking the marrow out of life, because you aren’t maximizing your physical ability to experience the world surrounding you.  Or if you don’t allow yourself the time to contemplate the unexplained forces, to discover what Albert Einstein was talking about when he explored the origins of our universe and declared “…Something deeply hidden had to be behind things…” then you aren’t fully savoring the world you live in.

Spend time exploring what makes you happy in each and every one of those 5 elements of life.  And consciously choose to incorporate those facets you enjoy and appreciate in your every-day life.  Because a happy life doesn’t just appear – you need to thoughtfully accumulate the habits and choices that will lead to your happy life.